To Whom it may concern: This is why I can't continue living (Jade Coleman).
I'm sick of everything. I just can't handle the world anymore. It's too much for me. I have nothing going for me. The sooner I'm gone, the better off everyone will be.
All I do is hurt people, because unlike you normal people, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you don't know what BPD is click right here. It's HELL. There is a monster trapped inside of my body. When it emerges, I become a demon.
As you all know, I just recently got out of another relationship. Of course the only person who treated me RIGHT, said he was so lucky to have me, gave me his heart and only wanted happiness is the one I had to hurt. I said very awful things to him. I didn't mean it. I was dissociating, stressed, we were having an argument (over stupid, only reason we argued so much is because I was paranoid and insecure about him being friends with this one girl who turned out being really nice) and the monster emerged. He broke up with me for it. I feel guilty for hurting him, so I have punished myself for it already. I feel extremely guilty for hurting him. Everyone thinks I am a horrible person for saying those things, but I truly and honestly from my heart didn't mean it. I didn't mean to tell him that if I killed myself, it would be his fault. I didn't mean to tell him I hated him. But he hurt me too by breaking promises that I truly believed in.
So, you may think that "Oh she's just cutting and suicidal because she got dumped", because I have a history with that with a previous ex. That's not the case this time. I'm depressed for so many reasons now. There are almost hundreds of them. I am mostly depressed because I have BPD and I have it really badly. The break-up has just made me realize everything else in my life that's so discombobulated.
Also, I'm tired of people making promises that they cannot keep. How many times do I have to go through this? I'm such a nice, sweet, honest girl with a horrible mental illness. I just want to be loved. I just want to be important. I just want to be important enough to actually not be given up on for once.
The ending of this relationship has made me realize, nobody will ever take me seriously. I'll always be taken advantage of. Nobody will ever love a girl with scars on her arm. Nobody will ever truly stay in love with me. It made me realize that this world really doesn't need me. It made me realize that I won't succeed.
I am nothing more than a failure. I can't hold a relationship, I can't hold friendships, I am no good in school, I have no talents, I'm not attractive, I fuck everything up, I have BPD and several other mental illnesses I was diagnosed with, everything I say is stupid, I'm needy and I'm incapable of holding the simplest of task.
All I want is to actually be important to someone on more than a "omg just friends" level. I want someone to stay in love with me forever. I want the broken promises to STOP. I want to be golden. Nobody will ever see me like that. NOBODY. And I refuse to wait years for this to happened. I've been broken, hurt, abandoned and thrown aside by almost every human being that has ever walked into my life. I've been bullied badly ever since the 5th grade. They always told me I won't amount to shit, and they are all right.
I just can't continue doing this. I am a 20 year old girl. I'm too young to feel so miserable, empty and depressed. Also, depression is nothing I can "just get over". It's a disease, just like anything physical. I hate people who don't take depression that seriously or self harm.
I can't do this anymore. I'm in a deep hole and I can't crawl out of it. No hospital can fix me, and I don't know why I've been to three in the past 7 months. I was in 2 car accidents in late 2010. I totaled my car in the first one. I should've died in it.
Maybe if my mom would've got me the help I needed when I was 14/15, I would be better. But it's too late now. I'll be 21 in April. I won't get to celebrate it. I don't even want to.
So, now I can't deal with the world anymore. It's too big and scary. I am going to take all of my pills.
I don't care if you say "Suicide is selfish". So is wanting me to stay alive and miserable. No, suicide won't make me feel happy, but I'd rather feel nothing than to feel miserable, guilty, anger, stupid, etc. Some say it's cowardly. I guess I'm a coward then. It's not even close to the worse thing I've been called. I'm not strong.
I am a really sweet person, but living with BPD is too much. It's too hard to fight, and I just don't think I can do it anymore. I will be swallowing pills and hopefully I'll die this time I do it (for some reason I never die). If I wake up, it obviously wasn't enough to kill me.
I want to get better, I truly and honestly do. For some reason it's not happening. I'm a shit.
I can't hold on any longer. This world is too scary for me. Some say "maybe things will get better" but there is a possibility that they won't. I didn't deserve BPD, I didn't deserve manic depression (bi-polar), I didn't deserve anxiety disorder, I didn't deserve MDD (major depressive disorder). Doctors have diagnosed me with all of the above, and I am a big ball of walking psychopath. I am crazy. I AM FUCKING CRAZY AND I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. I WANT TO BE FUCKING NORMAL.
With that being said, I'm gone. If I wake up, I didn't die. If I come back months later, it's because I didn't die and my mom threw me in a long term hospital. If I don't come back, I died. Peace.
